the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Happy Taco Tuesday
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.