The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
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I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
R.I.P.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.