The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
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“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
584.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry