The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
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Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
yeah not falling for this one
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.