*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
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It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Can’t stop laughing
who will stop them
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.