DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
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9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*