@ManJuggs: The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
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@jackmackenroth: If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
@thestlouisan: ME: A restful night's sleep sounds nice BRAIN: Here's a dream about an owl with teeth
@kidphonic: Fear of hospitals isn't irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I've had a kid following me around calling me "mom" ever since.
@sageboggs: Listen up, guys Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it's also a checklist for anyone about to propose