@ManJuggs: The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
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@BlindChow: "That'll be $19.94." *pulls out $50 bill* "Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?" *pulls out $25 bill*
@sucittaM: Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I'm wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
@callie_cakes: Ex: Holy skinny jeans! Me: They are new. Like them? Ex: Sure... Me: What? Ex: Should a woman your age wear those? Divorce Reason 509
@n0tblonde: If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.