The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Nothing to do, you say?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
found my next D&D character name
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935