@weinerdog4life: The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
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@samfromks: *Holds centipede up to your cheek as you're sleeping and whispers* Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet...
@SondraDeeMe: My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he's paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
@pleatedjeans: Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal