The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
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[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.