The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
You Might Also Like
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
This headline is a thing of beauty
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move