The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
You Might Also Like
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
What’s a Messi?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that