I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n