@TheNardvark: The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.
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@KentWGraham: How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
@Rollinintheseat: The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
@gobmentcheese: The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.