The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
You Might Also Like
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
ibopfufen
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
me as a parent
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?