The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
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Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.