The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
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I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine