The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant