The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Become ungovernable.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters