The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.