I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
You Might Also Like
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.