[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
smartest karate player in the world
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.