computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.