The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
You Might Also Like
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.