[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
It’s the weekend y’all
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”