The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Does beer think about me too?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”