The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
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Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Risking my life for fun.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.