Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
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People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
*frowns in Scottish*
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.