@BassoonJokes: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.
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@Spaced_Cowboy00: I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
@XplodingUnicorn: [hardware store] Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff Wife: Fine Clerk: Can I help you? Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
@ipalatsky: Old superstition: When wife laughs at your jokes: It means you have guests in the house.