A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Me: I can鈥檛 believe I鈥檓 only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I鈥檝e heard Rumours
Me: No, it鈥檚 true Sandra. They鈥檙e an actual band.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don鈥檛 intervene. I鈥檝e got this.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”