[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
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My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
What if the weather talks about us?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*jingles half the way*
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
couldn’t resist
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.