The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide