the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
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Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow