The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
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Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person