My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
me and who
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.