My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
multitasking lunch
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.