The human body is 70% water and 30% land
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”