Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
If only
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.