[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
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I’m going to need a moment here.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.