@dog_feelings: the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
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@msbtx: "Snitches get stitches," I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.
@animadvertguy: WIFE: really? ME: uh? WIFE: 20 mins and you haven't noticed? ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.
@ibid78: I wish softcore horror was a genre. Like, "LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU IT'S A KITTEN! OH THANK GOD IT'S JUST A FEATHER."