the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Tuesday
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it