A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
What
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.