@CroweJam: The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.
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@Bownuggets: Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it's "disturbing" & I "need to leave yoga," or "at least wait til I'm off the treadmill"
@dafloydsta: [bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
@dreamthievin: I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago. *sigh He's never gonna let me down.
@trevso_electric: I used to pretend that broccoli florets were treetops and I was a giant eating up the forest while my Dad pretended he had a manly son.