PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
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Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
eating my hot dog hamburger style
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions