@cornax: The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had.
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@DepressedDarth: That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.
@AmnesiaRose: My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor's flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, "whew. Close call."
@lildandeli0n: [Gets Twitter error: "Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong"] I know Twitter, I know. That's why I'm here.
@jus4golf: To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn't tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.