The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
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Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.