The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me