The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
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I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.