[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.