The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
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If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.