The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
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The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
🤣🤣
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.