The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.