The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
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MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.