THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
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Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.