[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.